Friday, July 28, 2006

Good fences make ....

a path. Sometimes we need fences. Some people call them boundaries. I didn't have many as a kid. I am having to learn to build them now, and it's not the easiest process in the world. Sometimes when you have been functioning in dysfunction for a long time, starting to get back to "normal" feels disquieting. To yourself and to others.

I have been reading a couple of books about spiritual abuse, and about boundaries. One thing that keeps coming back to me is that I cannot say "yes" unless it comes from my heart - not because someone else thinks I "ought" to.

So I have had to make some decisions. I realized there's a lot of F****ed up stuff inside me and I keep looking to redo life through a series of toxic situations. Work, church, the way I relate to myself and others.

So I have to step away from some things for a while. And I have to learn not to care what other people think. So many times we try to get approval from others and we lose ourselves in order to get it. I got to the point where I didn't want to do that any more.

But that doesn't mean it will always be easy. But my wife is reading a book called A Shepherd Looks at the 23rd Psalm. One thing it mentions about the passage that "he makes me lie down in green pastures," is that sheep will stay in the same place until someone leads them away. They will literally eat ruts in the earth - even when there's nothing in them - and stay there because it is familiar. Sounds like some relationships I've been in.

But the Good Shepherd is too loving to let his sheep eat dirt in ruts. And another thing the book mentions is that once they get to the green pastures, even the old ewes will kick their heels at the rejoicing of being in a new pasture. Boy am I looking forward to that.

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